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this journal will probably be kind of exclusively for you now.

I’m sitting here now, and eating chocolate and listening to NIN and kind of digging life right now, because I’m talking to you, eric.  It was nice to be able to show this to you.  and now I’m kind of confused as to what to write in here.  I don’t know.  I guess it will take a bit of effort to write in that sort of free style when no one read this.  I also hate writing in first person, well the kind that is like this.  It’s too now.   Thank you for coming over today.  no.  I’m not going write like this.  Too much like a letter.  Starting again:

He came over today.  I was dying, the smallest things seem to set me off lately.  It’s a part of  living on your own and going to school and working and trying to manage cooking and living and due dates and bills and paycheques and everything.  It’s something that drags you down like crazy.  But he shows up, and seriously, it just all goes away.  And as much as escaping doesn’t solve the problem, it feels so good to escape.  My own little world with the person I love.  It’s amazing how absolutely nothing matters when he kisses me, the fact that I still get butterflies after he does.

It scares me that I’m so sick and gross and icky all the time, that my entire body is falling apart and that no matter how hard I try to manage everything, there is always something I forget.  And it scares me because I don’t know how I’ll keep managing like this.  I’m hoping the summer makes things better.  And I’m counting down till I can appreciate it.  I’m just looking forward to the time to read for leisure and make my brain happy again and make everything better.

He makes everything better.

bloody fucking hell

I can’t ever be what you need me to be.  I can’t ever be what my parents need me to be.  I can’t ever be what god needs me to be, if he’s there.

I doubt I can be what I need myself to be.  How can I, when I barely know myself?

new ratatat, among other things

Mobius Strip

The track I’m running on
Won’t be the same when I turn back
It’s useless to follow it straight
I’ll return to another place
I circle around but the sky changes
Yesterday I was a child
I’m a man now
The world’s a strange thing
And the rose among the roses
Doesn’t resemble another rose.

Robert Desnos

I am digging this new ratatat stuff, their new album, LP3 is a completely new, more worldly sound. They are no longer a band with one sound, repetitive beats, and catchy samples. What they’ve done is taken the best of what they used to have and coupled it with what feels like a trip around the globe. My favorite, mumtaz khan, is some sort of strange mixture of india and japan with hard hitting synths-and bells.

In any case, my brain feels just about ready to explode with frustration at my current situation of being unemployed, off school, and home all the time. Not to mention not being able to see him more than once or twice a week, and having to be sneaky about it at that. This whole hiding thing bugs me a lot more than it used to when I was younger. Things were much easier when I had no expectation of anything being produced from the relationship and everything was being done for fun, and meaningless to the future. But now it all means something. This entire relationship has been so carefully crafted, after five years of knowing each other, and a year of intense friendship, it feels so much mature than anything I’ve ever been in. The fact that everything has fallen into place so wonderfully, well, it’s like some ridiculous romance movie that everyone thinks is tacky but secretly love, and wish would happen to them. Right down to the picnic.

Other non relationship type things that are bothering me include the lack of philosophy courses being offered at my university currently. There is a price to be paid for small class sizes, I suppose. Everything being offered is so general, and I look at the stuff that the UofA is offering and it’s so wonderfully specific. An entire class on existentialism! Or the philosophy of love and sex! Epistemology is obviously very important, and a requirement for anyone wanting to pursue grad studies in philosophy, but at the same time, all these small things are so specific and interesting. I guess I can read up on them on my own though, and bring them up with likeminded friends and stuff. On a related note, I really wish my father would stop making digs about my major :S. He takes every opportunity he can to make fun of the fact that I am becoming a “philosopher”, and takes deep pleasure in it. It’s rather frustrating, but I just remind myself that things could be a lot worse. That seems to work.

Protected: garden in the ceiling.

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Protected: a magical combination.

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Protected: It’s all here for you as long as you choose to stay…

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shine it all around now

apparently the butterflies disappear as you mature.
“love” is no longer of the intense passionate longing variety, but rather a rational, logical approach to companionship.
The realization that we can’t possibly attain everything we want forces us to succumb to mediocrity.
I don’t want to be mediocre.

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