Protected: It’s all here for you as long as you choose to stay…

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shine it all around now

apparently the butterflies disappear as you mature.
“love” is no longer of the intense passionate longing variety, but rather a rational, logical approach to companionship.
The realization that we can’t possibly attain everything we want forces us to succumb to mediocrity.
I don’t want to be mediocre.

Protected: ridiculous

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let your love grow

and grow
and grow
and grow.

I don’t know what I have done.  I can’t stop thinking about it, because I don’t know if it was the right way to take the friendship.

I hate myself because I am repulsed by clinginess.  It wasn’t clinginess though, until two days ago.

Fuck.

where I end and you begin.

you can walk in with the biggest smile on your face you silly deluded girl, but all the smiles in the world can’t hide the face of perpetual loneliness. It is in that sad state of mind that you carry yourself about, trying to function in a world based on love and comfort, a shallow kind, but existent nonetheless.

It’s difficult to go on, yes, but is there any other way to go out about things? you could exist to represent the hidden face of society, the one that gets shunted under the rug in the name of self-actualization and “happiness”.  You could do it, you know…. give the people a taste of what they really are like, what they really want to be.

If you had the opportunity to pick sides, and it would be the right side, would you decide to pick sides? Or would you prefer to be indecisive, unable to commit to a simple decision?
You prefer to be out of the know, you stupid, impulsive girl.
unable to stay committed to anything, and you never will.

it doesn’t work.

It is strange. The last three months have taken me on this intense, emotional, roller coaster ride of sorts, and I’ve changed completely, changed back, and now I’m changing again. I can never be steadfast in what I do. In fact, it’s what one might call my tragic flaw. I am ever shifting, ever changing, seeking out a person who can help me become what I want to be, but never finding that person. I’m unable to decide my own beliefs, values, aspirations. I hurt people, and I don’t even care. I’m selfish to the point where my own family doesn’t want to be around me anymore. Frankly, I don’t want to be around them. I’ve felt like an outsider in my own house for too long anyways. I’m an embarrassment to my parents, my own sister tells me I am pursuing a useless path in life, and that wanting to learn things that don’t lead to a “career” won’t pay the bills. I’m so tired of this all.

To be honest, I don’t want to change for anyone else except myself. It would help if I could figure out what I’m trying to be though.

18!

Done finals! (WOOOOOOO!)
Am legal! (Double WOOOOOOOO!)
Three weeks of break! (Geekily enough, not so WOOOOO)

Reckoner

Reckoner
You can’t take it with you
Does it for the pleasure

You were not to blame for
Bittersweet distractors
Dare not speak his name
Dedicated to all you
All your needs

Because we separate
the ripples on a black shore
Because we separate
the ripples on a black shore

Reckoner

Did I cater to all you
All your needs

–Radiohead–

oh dear

sometimes i do stupid things
encourage stupid behaviour.
and hurt stupid people.

first week

done and dealt with.
made a few aqquaintances. There are some people I would like to try and get to know better soon, I’ll try and do that next week. Sometimes I can be sociable, on the spur of the moment, but I can’t really plan and do it. Which sort of sucks.

Meeting up my brother on monday as well, which will be cool.